Earning My Stripes

So this WONDERFUL southern bell from my work came up to me last week to see if I wanted to join her and a few other ladies on a Mother’s Day 5K fun run/walk.  And I immediately said that I would join, my reason being that Mother’s Day will be hard for me this and every year.  So I figured that going for a run with some friends that morning will boost my spirit and keep me out of a dark place that day.  I think that my sister and brother in law will be coming up that day as well, which means that I will hopefully have enough distraction to keep the day in a happy place. 

ALSO, I have recently decided that I am going to stay out here for an extra year or so to get my finances in tip top shape before heading home to Maine for any extended period of time.  The only debt I am willing to have when I go back is my student loan debt, and that is it.  Staying here with my family for an extra year gets all my debt paid off and then some.  Plus I really want to hang out with my sisters more, so at the end of the summer I will be taking a road trip back to Maine to pick up my stuff and see people and enjoy the beach for a few days before coming back to the west and moving down to Utah.  I’ve been praying about it and it seems like it is the best decision, and the wisest. 

Huh. Looks like I AM growing up, after all, haha.  I am starting to make GOOD decisions with my life.  Hopefully this trend sticks. 

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In other news:

I am going to be in the 207 for a long weekend in TWO AND A HALF weeks, which means that I will get to eat LOBSTER, and DEEP FRIED OREOS, and AMATOS ITALIANS, and SACO ISLAND DELI, and FLATBREADS, and WHOLE FOODS…. can you tell that I am a teensy tiny bit excited for the food?  I guess that is what you get being a foodie.  NEVERTHELESS, I am counting down the days!

so… friday.  friday is my day off.  my one day where i get to do anything that i want to do.  the day that i get to go run in the cemetery, clean my room, make plans, get sushi with friends, and prepare to see my mom for the weekend.  and i had PLANS for this past friday.  i was going to get up and start the day off right with a living fuel shake.  i was going to go to walmart and the gym… i was gonna go tanning.  i was even going to do all the dishes that had piled up over the last week.  …so i get to the walmart part and finish my shopping and start driving to the gym, but i stop at my dad’s work on the way to say a quick hello.  and it hits me. 

all of a sudden i cant move and im sweating and i need to run to the bathroom.  and for the first time in fifteen years im throwing up.  food poisoning.  i cant remember the last time my face was close to a toilet.  probably because it has never BEEN close to a toilet.  im coughing and spitting and trying to get the vile taste out of my mouth.  i cant see because im crying, and im quite positive that the guys at my dad’s work could hear me moaning in disgust and pain through bathroom door.  round one, round two, round three.  im shaking.  i try to drink some water, BAD idea.  round four. 

finally empty of anything left in my stomach i make my way to the car and get ready for a difficult ride home. i call my sister, no answer.  i call my other sister, no answer.  i call that sister’s twin, no answer… my mom… my best friend… nothing.  so i called the first one back and her husband picks up, bless his heart.  he knows something is wrong and i tell him what im going through.  he talks me through the drive to keep my mind off of my twisting and churling stomach.  and finally im home.  crisis averted, momentarily.  i hang up with him and run up the stairs… past my concerned kitty, and right to the toilet… where i proceed to live for the next hour or two. 

and thats how my weekend started. 

flash forward to saturday.  the start of shark week.  and im at work, doubled over with cramps.  guess no running today either.  i go home to take some ibuprofen… which turned out to actually be tylenol pm (yay for mixing up meds) and i passed out.

and now its sunday… and im winding my weekend down.  today wasnt all that bad.  a couple girls from the soccer team at the university here invited me to have lunch with them.  and they paid for me, the darlings.  and then, SURPRISE!, hunting trip with dad.  so we hiked in the mountains for a bit, me trying to do my very best imitation of katniss everdeen while looking for wild turkeys (maybe i’ll pick up archery while im here?).  and now after watching frozen planet and wicked tuna i will be going to bed.  and hoping that tomorrow gives me a better opportunity for running. 

i’ll get there. 

so ive been really lacking in motivation for working out and living healthy for a while. but luckily ive only put on like three or four pounds which means that i can get right back on the horse and continue my journey.

i cant say that the past few months have been easy, especially this month.  i was supposed to start my period on the 4th.  and it still hasnt come.  and i have a feeling that it wont come this month or that it will come really late and that it will just be yet another reminder of what i DONT have with me. I found out i was pregnant on the 28th of april, last year.  and then in late may the doctor told me i would miscarry.  and then in late june it finally happened.  so i think that the next two and half months will probably be some of the hardest months of my life, yet again, and im hoping that i can just take my emotions out on the pavement and not drown myself in chocolate and sweet things. 

i told myself at the beginning of this that i really needed to focus and do this for her, because when i see her again some day i want to be able to tell her that im a fighter and that i worked my way out of the hell i was in, and rose up out of it to become the best version of me that i could become.

i realized about a month ago that there are certain people that just bring you down time and time again, even though you think that they are a good friend and a good person.  i realized that this one girl that was in my life last year really led me to do some things that i really didnt want to and shouldnt have done.  and when i came to live near my family for this past while i realized the person that i was when i was around her is not the person that i have ever wanted to be.  i was drinking all the time and smoking and doing things that ive told myself over and over that i dont need or want in my life.  ive never desired to have those things in my life and since coming out here i havent had them in my life at all.  granted it was MY decision to actually drink and smoke, but it was at the suggestion of those around me, and when i caved to that peer pressure i became someone that i didnt want to be. 

and then when things got bad for her she started blaming me for her problems, when i have never been the problem.  ive only been the excuse, because its easier to blame someone else than to look to your own life and see where the cause of your downfalls and weaknesses are.  i know that i was weak last year.  i didnt have a place to live, so i had to live with my boyfriend… i was pregnant and trying to deal with that and then trying to deal with the loss of that baby.  it was a lot to try to deal with, and i made some mistakes.  my emotions where high and i was a bit crazy after losing the baby… but honestly, who wouldnt be?  but that whole time i never did anything that i had to try and explain away.  i never did anything that i would try to justify.  i said some things to my ex that i shouldnt have.  but hes known me for seven + years and he knows who i am.  just like the friends that really know me know that i wouldnt do anything to hurt someone intentionally.  that im not capable of doing that. 

so in conclusion… ive been dealing with a lot of emotions lately.  and since spring has started its time that i stop stewing in those emotions and just go run.  my goal for the rest of the month:  30 miles.  and i will log each and every one of those here.  i need to get my life going again, and i only have a few months left here to finish the job. 

the journey continues.